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I have come to a sudden realization. I have been carrying around the feeling that I am a bad person for what I have done (pertaining to ovum donation) for far too long. I was not attacked by the devil because I was bad. To the contrary, I was attacked because I was good. What fun is for the devil to cause such chaos in someones life that is already a sinner not able to be saved? It is far more entertaining to take a person who is in a weak point that is good and turn their good deads into something perverse and shameful. I am no longer going to pack around this burden that was placed on me by him. My eyes have been opened to the true, sinister ways of his. I am no longer going to feel ashamed for my triumphs and mistakes. They have made me who I am…a more caring, understanding, accepting individual. I am less quick to judge, have a firm belief in God, feel I need to serve Him, and have helped many individuals as a result. It is time to see my experiences in a fresh light…no longer bogged down by regret. I did what I did with compassion and love at the core of it and I stand by my decisions that I have made along the way.
The answer is no. You do not have any control over what type of science your embryos will go to or what exactly you are contributing to. I suggest you read the book, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks or my book, Soul Sale: A Rude Awakening. You do not want to be plagued by questions such as those that the families in either of these stories suffer from. It is important to know that the embryonic stem cell research industry is mixing human embryonic cells with other animals and creating hybrids. Do you really want to wonder if you are the mother of a half human-sheep chimera? It is something out of what should be a twisted sci-fi movie but it is becoming reality. I have terrible nightmares because of where this industry lead me. Severe enough that the dreams border on hallucinations and I have been hospitalized for psychosis. There are no professionals that understand this condition and it is “okie,” as my husband describes it. You may begin to see people with diseases as preditory, seeking your unborn to cure their condition. I liken it to vampires. It is not cocktail party conversation. It is hard to look at someone who is suffering and tell them that your babies can’t help them, but this is the position I have found myself in. I have created bumper stickers that say, “It is a LIFE, not a CURE” and sport them proudly on my vehicle. It was wonderful news to see that the Michael J. Fox Foundation has recently given up on its embryonic stem cell research division. Only time will show that this area of science is a fraud. It is the worst moral and ethical delima of our modern day. I think it will be looked back at with wonder by our children as it increasingly is proving ineffective. It is the worse kind of snake oil salesmanship, creating multiple victims with nobody as a voice for the unborn. It is a mother’s job to protect her children, however small. I recognize that keeping embryos frozen forever is not a solution either but suggest a ceremony to make it a special day, giving respect to the precious, innocent, unique life that has been created and will not reach maturity.
This blog is for donors to share their stories about complications they may have had as a result of their egg donation experience. It can be anything from pain or infection at the injection sites to psychological damage or psychosis. I realize my case was severe and there are few places to turn when you have complications. Feel free to share your story.
Surely there must be a woman out there that has had a positive experiences but I am not one of them. If you are looking for a blog to read to hype up how wonderful egg donation is this is not the blog for you. I was an egg donor from 2002 to 2008 and completed 8 cycles. Many of them ended up with positive pregnancies. I do not worry about babies that I helped families have to any significant extent. I met the families and believe they are good people and the children will be treated with love and given many opportunities in their lifetime.
I do, however, think obsesively about all of my offspring that have most likely gone to embryonic stem cell research. It was not my intention to get involved with that industry and now I have a dog in the fight on an issue that I otherwise would have gone happily about my life not thinking about. Some of the things they are doing in this field of science is so emotionally and spiritually damaging to me that I have even sought out the help of priests. I have to take anti-psychotic medications because of a combination of hormone imbalance issues and emotional grief. My trauma did not end after the psychosis that I suffered after the birth of my own child. When I see how they are mixing human embryonic cells with sheep fetuses to produce sheep with human organs for harvesting I can’t help but ask disturbing questions like, “were those my embryos used,” or, “am I now the mother of a half human sheep,” and “What does God think about all of this?” Being as how embryos can be frozen for years, it is absolutely possible that some of mine have ended up as material for these studies, and how many times did these researches get it wrong before they got it “right.” They say that it is very important that these sheep look like sheep and that only the internal organs be human but I am sure the had a few mistakes before they were able to acheive this.
It makes me very mad that I even have to think about these issues.
Troubling also is that many donors don’t realize that eggs are fertilized directly after the retrieval process. Many think it is just eggs that they are donating and don’t see it as a human life. They figure they would just pass the eggs through their system anyway so why not donate. It is a little more complicated than that. And now I see that in the state of New York it is legal to get paid to donate eggs directly to research. Atleast I was trying to help a couple build a family when I donated. I really think that as a country we have begun to feed on ourselves, and no thanks…I will pass on having a sheep/human chimera liver transplanted into me when my time comes. The last thing I want is to be “treated” with my own offspring when I am dying to prolong my own life. What a moral delima that would be, and again, I am just angry that I have to think about it.
I learned the other day that the term “devil” actually means “the accuser.” It is very interesting to me that this is the role that he played in my psychosis before I even had the Bible knowledge that this is in fact his role. Revelations 7:7-12 is the Bible scripture to read if you are interested in this subject. It says that the devil accuses us day and night before God. God is also described as being He who dwells in the light. I also had no knowledge of this before my experience. The charges against me were very serious. I feel the worldly investigation that I was involved in was a tool to get me to understand the supernatural forces that I was up against. At the time of my initial hospitilization it was my understanding that the crime involving the shooting of the firefighter was being treated as a potential murder investigation. He survived so the official charge was attempted murder. However, when I entered the courtroom of heaven before The Light the charge was clear. It was murder and the evidence was my embryos “inability to thrive.”
Whether you believe that my psychosis was a true spiritual experience or not is neither here nor there. What can’t be argued is the fact that the entire ovum donation experience was extremely psychologically damaging to me. I feel it is my duty to warn other women that the are exposing themselves to this type of experience when they become involved in the industry. I have to acknowlege that stem cell research was mentioned in my initial ovum donor contract that I signed and agreed to back in 2002. I asked the agency that I was working with what it meant and was told not to worry about it because couples treat their embryos like gold in case they ever decide that they would like more children. I am no longer satisfied with this answer. Donors should be fully informed of what industry they are getting involved with or it just might come back to haunt them. This is certainly a case of the devil being in the details.
It has taken me a long time to feel as though I no longer deserve to be punished.
I am pleased to announce that my movie pitch has been picked up by a marketing company in California. They are submitting the idea to over 45 directors and producers. I have been warned the Hollywood will put their own spin on the idea that could completely change the overall message of the book. I feel that any movie that raises awareness about how postpartum psychosis feels to the individual who is experiences and touches on the ethics of ESCR is a win.